addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
Pain
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
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It comes in so many forms. Can you actually prepare for it? We can endure it. But just how much before you reach your threshold and it just breaks you down into an inadequate idiot.
Today was painful. Gasping for breath, it felt as if someone had cut off the oxygen supply. After 5 years of this, I should be familiar with the feeling. But the truth is, you can never really "get used" to pain. It comes, attacks you mercilessly, and either leaves you whimpering for deliverance, or has you craving for more. In this case it was the former. It wasn't pleasant. It was pure torture. But for the first time in a long long while, I didn't give up. Tears streamed down my face as the pain took over my mind and the demons in my head started tempting me with the thought of giving up. I wanted to stop so badly, I just wanted the pain to stop. It wasn't once or even twice. It was four or five times. Sobbing in between wheezes, wheezing in between sobs- I really thought it was all over. But each time I'd squeeze every ounce of positive energy out of my head and close my eyes, telling myself to calm down. The hyperventilating would subside and I'd try to continue and regain momentum. This repeated as many times as the titrations i'd done earlier in the day.
Alright it's getting a little tiring talking about this. I'm wiped and there is much that needs to be done over the coming weekend. My metabolic rate seems to have slowed to a crawl and for some reason everything I put into my mouth seems to appear around my stomach/ other unsightly areas where fat collects. I am curious to know why. Growth hormones? Whatever the case I think eating may soon become unecessary for me at the rate my MR is decreasing... hurhur.
BU YAO FANG QIIII. (zz, the influence of being around people who converse in chinese)